othelladub's Diaryland Diary


don't hang up

I shouldn't need someone else to make me feel happy. I don't want to get married. I've been telling myself that I don't want a girlfriend, I don't want a serious relationship.

I'm not really happy with the alternative.

But maybe I don't know how to ease my way into a good relationship. Maybe I don't know what that is.

I certainly don't know how to be a good boyfriend. What the fuck is that?

Being honest certainly is no salve.

Lying doesn't seem to work, either.

Things are fucked up. People are fucked up. I'm pathetic if I keep my friends, and I feel shitty if I let them go.

I hate change.

I don't want things to change.

But then, I don't want things to change from when I was in 5th grade, and my parents were still together, and my sister hadn't left for college yet,

and I could give a fuck about things like getting laid - or being in a meaningful relationship, or using people, or being used

eating healthy

working out

not drinking too much

sinking into a co-dependant hole

needing other idiots to make me feel better

trying to figure out how to let that girl down easily

trying to figure out how to come down from when that other girl tried to let me down easy

wanting to grow up to become a comic book artist more than anything in the fucking world and not doing it. wanting to write comics or write piss passing for comics more than anything. wanting to be in the comics field more than being an astronaut, president, or industrialist playboy ...

hating when people are condescending to me, even when it may be valid

perceiving that people are being that way, even when they are not

loving something so much that I hate how it makes me feel. i hate this feeling of not knowing where i belong. only knowing that time is passing, and I am wasting my life.

I still believe in myself. I still love myself. I can doubt myself and hate who I'm becoming and still love myself. I can resent and feel sorry for my friends and simultaneously love them. Fuck you. It's my life.



1:09 a.m. - 2002-04-08


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