othelladub's Diaryland Diary


love in the time of bush

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The Kids are Alright

It's been a good year. Perhaps I'll delve more deeply into it in a day or so. Tonight, I'm just thankful for what I have, thankful that I'm not bitter or hateful or resentful of anyone.

The truth is, I feel sad from time to time - I get lonely - but I also feel a tremendous rush of pride and exhilaration to be living at this time in history - in this part of the world. I'm exposed to some great things that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to experience 100 years ago.

I've kissed some beautiful girls, swooned and fluttered and raged and exhaled. I've seen the light in a

girl's eyes, and seen the tears in

young woman's eyes. I've seen older women under the influence, seen a young man with a Napolean complex.

I've read Clowes, Bukowski, Zadie, and Franz. I've been in awe of (and smitten by) Norah Jones. I've seen the previews for X2, and it looks better than X-men: the movie. Very matrix-ey.

I've seen Arnold and Lou Ferrigno and Stan Lee and Brian Singer and Affleck in San Diego. I've read Love and Rockets, and bought a couple cool L&R t-shirts in San Diego.

Girls have dug me, and been mad at me, or indifferent, or blended into the scenery like so many owls in the wooded mosaic of Humboldt, California.

I've listened to Kerouac's "On the Road" AudioBook, performed by David Carradine.

I've been sad that friendships have wilted, and my home is gone.

Something happened to my family when I was young, and I'm not sure what effect that had on me. I'm sure it contributed to my love of comics. Why did I want to stay in a world of arguments and accusations when I had Mark Gruenwald's Captain America, or Peter David's Hulk? Why grieve and shake unconsolably when one can search for back issues of Secret Wars II, featuring an Omnipotent Beyonder in a Powder-Blue-Sweatsuit-and-perm?

My teacher liked me, then didn't, then liked me again, then didn't again.

I visited Sacramento, rented a car, and spent time with a pretty girl, but nothing much came of it.

I envisioned going to a No Doubt concert with a beautiful girl. And I did - unfortunately, her name was Gwen.

I scalped tickets at a loss, which really isn't scalping.

X flipped out at me and manufactured some anger, pretty much dynamiting our friendship. I was dumb to call her marriage plans lame, but that was my only sin. For her to blame me for some shit Shane said in a brain-dead drunken stupor (out on the balcony when I'm NOWHERE IN EARSHOT) was just unfair. It was just sad. I really like her. I really like you Xo, wherever you are. I just don't like fighting. I still don't know where that came from. I know I didn't deserve it.

R doesn't love me. She really liked me about a year ago, and I was digging the slow, steady progresssion. I wasn't trying to push anything, and for once, I felt a relationship had a chance. But it ain't a thing.

Nowadays I just expect to be single. I'm not forcing anything. I don't go and call a girl a million times if she doesn't call me a few times in there.

I still give in to hope and desire and fantasy, and every time I go on a date I imagine what it would be like to date this person for 6 months, or whatever. But usually it's just a date or two, or whatever.

So maybe X is right, and I'm a retard when it comes to women. I know that in a relationship I would be selfish, and need pure, unfiltered love. I don't know ... I know it's work. It's scary to me. As much as I would love to be in a good relationship, it's kind of a relief not having that responsibility.

At least now I can just work on being happy. On finding some nice groove and/or sense of ambient love.

I believe in God. And really, God is Love. I know my "Hawkgirl!" teacher would scoff at this, but she's wrong on this note. I don't think love is something that has to be scoffed at. I don't think it's cool and sexy to be disaffected and cynical. That's really played out, at this point. You won't see me leading the Pep Rally, or Cheer Squad, but I'm not going to dis on those with a different path.

This world's a big place. And its not just the well-tread roads that deserve to be traveled.




I love you, whoever you are :X

1:39 a.m. - 2003-01-01


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