othelladub's Diaryland Diary


she never cared

Originally written during a flush of heat, back in '02 (you suckas)

Gravy and Immolation

Other people can inspire, persuade, or fuel you to reach a higher level. But, in the end, you're the only one who can keep fueling yourself, who can keep yourself focused, who knows the reasons behind the things you do.

I don't believe that friendship is temporal. I think it should be a true and permanent thing. That being said, friends come and go, regardless of what I believe - and everyone's to blame.

I doubt I've ever told anyone (save close family members) to "Stay the fuck away from me!!" But it happens. There are heated moments in life. Sometimes people say things they shouldn't say, or wouldn't say if they weren't physically or emotionally worked up.

One of the most vicious fights I've ever been in was with my best friend, Shane. We had spent the day helping his boss (at the time) move to a new apartment, and, as the day grew into night, my frustration level grew. I was still in College, and I was down for the summer. He was living with his pregnant girlfriend (and her family) at the time. I was waiting for him to drive me home, but he kept drinking beers.

Soon, other friends and co-workers showed up, and Shane showed little interest in leaving. To make a long story short, the night dragged on, and eventually we found ourselves out on a street corner, engaged in fisticuffs. I grabbed him; he pulled away. My gums/nose were bloodied, as was his hand, as it may have been cut on one of my teeth. After punching me, he pleaded for me to punch him. And I wanted to so badly. But I hadn't had as much to drink as he had, and for whatever reason, I didn't. That doesn't make me any better of a man - I just didn't.

We were screaming, scowling, sobbing. He renounced my friendship. He called me later that week. Things were cool.

Not every relationship can be like that, I understand. Not everyone can understand you, and care about you even when they don't understand you or agree with you. We're blood, basically. He's my brother, and no one is going to keep that muthafucka from being my brother for life. We disagree on a lot of shit, but those bonds don't break.

There are very few people who can love unconditionally, who can make mistakes and keep fighting through it. It's not always smart, even. Maybe sometimes its better to let things go, to remember things when they were nice. But if you let something go just like that, was it worth a shit in the first place?

Shit, I don't know.

All I know is that it's hard to lose family.


And you realize - I think - in the end, that family sticks. It takes guts to do that.

1:27 a.m. - 2003-06-28


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