othelladub's Diaryland Diary


the 19-year old is right


I'm a little sad right now. I can't quite put my finger on it, though there are a number of reasons that would certainly suffice.

Sometimes I just want to go back a few years. 2, 4, 6.

Don't matter.

maybe winter 2001. after sept. 11th, things were pretty bleak in the world. but we all were emboldened to hope. weren't we? as horrible as the aftermath to that event was - didn't we all still feel a little hopeful then?

and now ... I don't know. I suppose some things are much better in the world.

aside from world events, my vanity sets in, and i notice the clock and calendar ticking.

i miss that girl. there are a few girls i miss.

but then, I want the world to be as it should.

And yet - I just want to be breathing her in - sadly contemplating the night with her. there doesn't need to be a reward, or a spiderweb tie between us; we just need some cuervo, some post-traumatic stress, some friendship - some memory to bless.

she's gone. and she's too young, anyhow, i suppose. she's naive in her worldliness. perhaps i'm worldly in my sad discouragement. i've always held that shred of optimism in my palm. despite my dark humours, i've always felt that there is something beautiful in the world - something good and right and true.

And I've felt guilty, because I haven't been able to live up to that. I want so badly to be more than the person I am.

I don't need to be validated by another human being.

But I still crave that breathing knowledge and intimacy and mutual respect and unspoken love.

I speak when I should shut up ; shut up when I should speak.

(ah fuck it - who cares, really?)

I feel like that 17-year-old pain shoots back into me at times when i feel i should've outgrown it.

and then I remember that I don't want to outgrow it.

That yes - the idea is to "just live, man!!" That the 19-year old is right.

The 19 year old in us is right.

Don't let that part of me disappear.

12:19 a.m. - 2003-10-10


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