othelladub's Diaryland Diary


love: black and white crumpled smile

the boys are back in town

the girlfriend and i broke up last week.

it seems that such items tend to be inevitable.

we're on good terms, though, so i guess i'm actually feeling pretty decent about the whole thing

after processing that, i've stumbled upon the diaryland retirement of girlslife. And so my thoughts of a girl here or there, drifted into a girl who walked into a custom-framing shop one day, looking to interview with an absentee manager named Jeff (sorry JB, wherever ya are!) :

after graduating college and moving back to socal, she was the first true friend I made in my "new" life.

i don't know what happened, but at some point, i found myself mad-fucking-crazy in love with her. for some reason, i thought she would ditch a good future and return to where she had just left to give me a shot. and we didn't really know each other that well, and it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway, so i guess she made the right decision. i would've liked a shot, but it was just a flirtation/distraction for her, and it all makes more sense given the historical distance.

i've never stopped feeling bad about the implosion of our friendship, though, and it seems the damage is irreperable. i guess we can't be friends again because to do that honestly and openly would put a strain on the relationship she has. i have no designs on her, but i'm sure her husband wouldn't believe me, as i was probably long ago perceived to be, or painted as, some sort of villain, due to the attraction i felt towards the young lady in question. she was, and i'm sure she is, beautiful, but its not like the flirtation was a one-sided thing.

it's all water under the bridge now, though. forgive and forget. live and let live.

she did call me once, after i'd moved, and make an attempt to patch things up. i guess i was still bruised from our prior exchange, so the band-aid didn't take. i wasn't trusting enough. i wanted to set new parameters, and avoid gushing praise. a hard, slow rebuilding of our friendship was what I was hoping for, in the back of my mind - I guess

but it doesn't matter what anyone thinks - me, her, or anyone else. i know that she's a beautiful woman, with an interesting and wonderful future ahead. i know that she is one of the few women that i have truly loved in this life.

and that's that.

merry christmas, everybody.

11:54 p.m. - 2004-12-23


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