othelladub's Diaryland Diary


cutting out a chunk of myself

Cutting out a chunk of myself

keep in mind
keep it blind;
memory shiver
razor deliver;
fucker drinks whiskey
mystic sandals sink;
you know you hate saying it
but you hear what i think;

collaboration in desecration
lenses are blurred;
its not what it was
or haven't you heard?

another on the way
another gone to debt;
another giving love
another dripping sweat;

fight me with your face
fault me with your spit;
forget me with your hate
give it up and stop too late

you were just me in another place
you were just him when he was here
you loved what you hated
and loving hate, you hate to fear

ruin it
ruin it with regret
ruin it with somber finger flips;
we find ruination everywhere; in ourselves, in each other, in the world

kate winslet wears a nice dress
you wore nice lipstick;
punctuated with teeth to bite
glasses to prop
drinks to drop

push away, forevermore
its nothing you havent
done before;

its nothing you ever didn't do
i remember being pulled like a string
thinking your smile meant something

it all becomes so transparent
something for temporary benefit

no love, no friendship, meaning nothing
because it doesn't benefit you now

so wipe it out, cast if off
pretend you didn't ever care;
pretend enough and you believe it

and you believe it;
and you live it

and maybe it was before that you were pretending; and the attention was great;
but it was sweet food to you, and nothing more. nothing genuine and true and real and visceral and right; nothing simple and pure and floating and transcendent

and faking friendship is so much worse than losing love; love often resides in the body - but friendship - friendship is from the mind and heart, and every pore of one's being

how does that evaporate, if it were ever true?

how do we betray our past selves, convince ourselves that we now know better - ? why listen to people who weren't there - don't know -

everything changes, evaporates, grows anew; and friendship fades like morning dew; i just never thought

it would be you ;(

11:08 p.m. - 2005-02-28


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