othelladub's Diaryland Diary


Bono and the Edge never had days like this

Today I recovered a bit more from the ailment that has been plaguing me of late. I originally came down with flu-like symptoms after seeing my ex-girlfriend up in Chico, California while I was, ostensibly, on vacation ... It was nice seeing some old friends, and being able to remember everything I loved and hated about that place. But I also felt kind of like the kid getting sand kicked in his face, or getting the wind knocked out of him when I saw my old girlfriend.

It's been more than a year. And I really don't care anymore. But I remember how sweet it felt when I was just getting to know her. And seeing her again smacked me in the face, and I guess that's something that guys have to deal with after a breakup. I think, somehow, women have a reservoir of strength with which they can better deal with these issues. I was able to forget about it, in large part, being away, but I couldn't help but mourn what was not to be.

Enough melodrama. I probably devoted to much space here to reminding myself of how I've tortured myself in the past for things, and if I've learned anything in life (at least, in the abstract sense) -

it's that sometimes a person just needs to let go.

But we all have that first "true" love. Whatever.

So, on a brighter note, I've returned to sunny Huntington Beach without acquiring gonorrhea, and that's a start. Chico is infested with Stds, and I thank my lucky stars I've escaped physically unscathed. There was some drama up there, meeting my friend's (who happens to be obsessed with Micheal Douglas) girlfriend and seeing how domesticized he's become. I was able to crawl around the innards of the local bars, see a few familiar faces, and scope the new crowd which has, not to become redundant, infested my beloved li'l college town.

Since I've gotten back, I've received a care package from a lovely girl who moved far away, who invades my thoughts whether I like it or not. It was great - Cookies and comics! I was smitten.

Of course, later I learned she sent packages to a few friends, so I didn't feel quite as special as I had before, but I'm just an egomaniac, so that figures - Ok. And I got back, was terribly sick for a week or so. So I didn't want to call this girl I'm kinda dating for a few days, because I just felt horrible. (Karma for me being bad in Chico? Well I wasn't horribly bad, but ...) So finally after four days or so I call her one morning and

she answers and tells me to call her back in three minutes. I call back in five, and the cell gives me some message, saying, "this caller is out of your calling area." fuck. So I end up not hearing from her for four or five days, finally call her again on the night before Easter, and her Sister-in-Law picks up, and tells me "She's really busy preparing for easter right now, blah-blah-blah" Did I tell you guys this already? I don't think so. So anyway, I don't know if she's avoiding me, or is humping some guy in the two weeks I was gone or whatever, but it's too much aggravation and effort at this point.

She has my number. Otherwise, I'm back to the "fuck you" theory of dating.

Which, as my obsessive comic-loving friends will tell you, will get you nowhere. But their methods haven't really worked either, so I'll just stick with my unique forms of attack, and ignore their advice for now. The advice about women is almost as bad as the advice about employment in this town. There may be shreds of truth to what my friends say, and I'm always eager to listen, but usually my inner voice says, "fuck these guys!" I truly enjoy hearing their perspectives, but they don't live in my household. Certainly, they all have their own personal hells they must be living in (otherwise they quite likely wouldn't be my friends), but they have no way of understanding how I react to my environment, and how I've adapted to survive in my home environment. It's hard to explain, as I have a loving family. Caring mother who lives 20-30 minutes away. Overprotective, obsessive, loving dad who lives a room away. Sister who's great, who I saw today, but rarely see anymore. And best friend who lives with me also, and I just wish that my college degree could help him out some. But it hasn't really been helping me of late, and this garbage people spew about a degree guaranteeing a sparkling future, a "company will be sure to hire you, and eager to train you!" seems like a crock of shit.

But that's a tangent, I know.

Nonetheless, I know of two things which are bothering me right now. One, the girl I was dating is busy, detached, absentminded, an asshole, or some combination of those ingredients to have just phased out of contact with me.

And two - Two, the girl I want to be with, to hold, to run my fingers through her hair - Is far away with her boyfriend. And one of my friends suggested to think of her as married, completely unavailable.

I really don't want to do that, as rational and as sound advice as that may be. I might agree, if I didn't already know what it was to hold her, and to feel that affection, and desire, and familiarity. This is not some stranger whom I've planted desires and abstract concepts on. This is someone I had gotten to know, who I just want to hold and kiss and do nasty things to. And it all ties together, and melts me. It confuses me some too, because I don't want to get involved with this girl down here, if the girl who I already have feelings for is coming back.

But I don't want to be hanging on, waiting for her, putting everything else on hold.

So I find myself in a uncomfortable position. But some things make it easier. I envision her face, and my hands, cupping that face - being able to finally kiss her, and let my passion flow.

And it's ok.

And I didn't see U2 last night or tonight at the Arrowhead Pond. And Verily, that sucketh.

-BA 4/25/01

10:57 p.m. - 2001-04-25


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