Today I want to talk about babes. Specifically, Barbarian Babes. How have these barbarian babes affected your life? What is it about barbarian babes that is so intriguing? Do they speak softly and carry a big stick? Do they enjoy barbarian sex? Are they covered in furry loincloths? What is it about barbarian babes that has fascinated cultures around the world for eons?

Why are there no Barbarian Babe reality shows? Please, no Survivor references - that doesn't count. We're talking full loincloth/spear/assorted regalia here.

Do young D&D (Magic:the Gathering also counts)playing boys invest so much time in role-playing in lieu of seeking out real-life barbarian babes?

What does one have to roll in a dice game to acquire a bevy of barbarian babe booty?

In the case of barbarian babes, are the pirate and hip-hop terms for booty interchangable, and inextricably linked?

Are loincloths a necessity to be deemed a barbarian babe?

Do barbarian babes drink lager, microbrew, or only mead?

Do chain-mail panties fit within the specifications of Barbarian Babe fashion?

Do they hide in swamps and gutters? Can they access the nexus of realities like the Man-Thing?

Are they aware of the Man-thing's status as a bargain basement Marvel rip-off of DC's Swamp Thing, which through time has gained its own cult following, and unique characteristics?

Does Bruce Banner go for Barbarian Babes? Would Betty Ross be a Barbarian Babe - and, perhaps more importantly - would Jennifer Connelly?

Does fur-cleavage qualify one for honorary inclusion in the ranks of barbarian babe fame?

Are Jane Fonda and Raquel Welch barbarian babes? Or only Raquel Welch?

What is the correct spelling of Raquel Welch? Raquel must be wrong. I can feel it. My Barbarian-Babe-spelling detector is buzzing. Perhaps her barbarian bosoms have distracted my finely-tuned spelling centers.

Is it Racquel? That seems better. Neither seem perfect for a woman who, mid-60's, wore a fur-bra better than any woman, barbarian or non-barbarian, in the history of man or barbarian-kind.

Bosoms. Fur. Barbarianhood. Spears. Bosoms and Barbarian Babes.

Ah, the many varied lingual analyses of lovely buxom barbarians. How they spear the saturated heart!

Did James Worthy, in his NBA prime, favor Barbarian Babes? Did Pat Riley apply the teachings of Anthony Robbins! to his Showtime quests for barbarian-babe booty!

How bootylicious is barbarian-babe behind?

Is it key-lime fantastic? Does J-Lo, in her best Flashdance impression, qualify under strict barbarian-babe codes of designation?

Did Jennifer Beals, in the original Flashdance reinvigorate the Barbarian-Babes movement by simply shedding a shoulder-cuff?

Is eating shrimp seductively a standard mode of behavior in the new barbarian babe ethos?

While much has been said of the neo-feminist barbarian-babe movement, what has been left unsaid is of mighty import! In efforts to appeal to a wider panacea of a potentially potent plethora of popping booty barbarians, the language has been toned down, reformatted, and recontextualized, so as to avoid references to mighty deeds such as the aforementioned shrimp-seduction scene in the glorious Flashdance:The Motion Picture. This cannot - this will not - stand. In pacifying the new recruits, they have shed the standards of barbarian babes which have spread virally for centuries. In attempting to alter the primary makeup of Barbarian Babes, they have replaced Flashdance with other Jennifer Beals performances, such as her memorable turn in Roger Dodger.

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