othelladub's Diaryland Diary

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unconditional forgiveness is a path to peace

back from A.P.E.

spent the weekend in san francisco, after a brief stay in yuba city.

it was good.

the whole weekend was nice.

sometimes, i go through such trauma to get to some semblance of peace and happiness. i'm not sure if that's the only way that it can be done. actually, I'm sure that there are other ways, but i'm not sure how to recognize or incorporate them into my life.

i waste money, time, and spirit. my heart loses love. i don't want this to happen, but i find myself being beaten down.

i'm glad to be alive. glad to be here - its just difficult to always enjoy things. i have periods when i'm overcome with guilt for things i've done, things i've felt or thought - and sometimes i simply feel pain as a result of things over which i have no control.

there are times when world events cause me to nearly break down. there are times when i feel as if my actions can never be retracted (and, in fact, they can't).

there are things i want to take back, things i want to change - and i can't.

time continues to frustrate me. my fears continue to overpower my dreams.

some beautiful things in me have been crippled, if not encircled with cancer.

there is sadness, anger, and loneliness. there is pain and hope and happiness. there are cliches and fallback statements and fears which emerge periodically to cripple my dialogue and interaction with others.

fear of success. fear of failure. anxiety.

there are beautiful women. there is love. also, there is often a lack of foresight or empathy or interest in the protection of my own emotional health.

there is memory. memories of things which allow me to laugh, allow me to love, to shrink from action, to blunder through missteps.

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Of course, none of these things are representative of my time at the Alternative Press Expo.

Unfortunately, a lot of that psychic trauma was emerging periodically to drain energy from my overall happiness during the expo.

I met several interesting people. I met a few absolutely stunning women. I held conversations with people who follow their dreams, whether their comics ever succeed on any financial or critical basis or not. These people - these minicomic folks, these web-folks, these t-shirt-printing fools - they represent the blood and determination and youth and vitality of the new comic-book populace in the 21st century.

There is sadness, hope, and love. There is creativity and chaos. There is costuming and clever critique.

i continue to live - and i will happily live - there's far too much to see, too much future memory ::;

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